Above: Still from Speaking in Silence (2020)
I was fortunate enough to spend past year working on a documentary short funded by BFI/Doc Society which tells the story of my experience of Selective Mutism and my encounter with a young girl still faced with the struggle of the condition. I had no idea how difficult and empowering the experience could be.
Selective Mutism is a severe social anxiety disorder which most commonly occurs in childhood. The condition prevents you from speaking in many, if not all environments outside of the home space. This is a very isolating experience, which left me very lonely for many years.
As an adult, the dissociative experience of mutism was surpassed by other dysregulated behaviours that I had experienced concurrently. Without the blanket of mutism, my responses to my environment fell into these self-destructive behaviours to a much greater extent than ever before.
It was a transformative experience to both revisit my childhood and adolescent memories, but also in meeting Saarah and witnessing her ongoing struggle. A mirror in time to a version of me buried in the past. As with any transformation there was also a great struggle. Working on the film did also have unexpected consequences. There were many memories, which though not necessarily addressed in the story of the film, resurfaced during production. This was a difficult process to revisit long buried darkness within, which contributed to an already declining trajectory in my mental health.
It was a tough process to confront these dark spaces, which lead me to an impending crisis, perhaps faster than it would have occurred naturally. I am sure that this crisis was an unavoidable experience that I would have faced sooner or later. Fortunately I received the help of therapy and psychiatric aid, for which I am deeply grateful.
This crisis occurred nearing the completion of the film. On reflection a thought occurred to me, just how therapeutic the process had been. Creating a narrative of my experience seemed to help in resolving traumas I had long forgotten or hidden from myself. With the critical distance required in finalising the project I came to a huge realisation. These underground currents of emotion had been shaping behaviours I am still experiencing. Something that I had until this point not been at all aware of.
I had prevously been very sceptical as to the therapeutic benefits of filmmaking. After this personal experience of just this, I felt, and really felt on a deep level, the power and salvation that the process could provide for people struggling to make sense of themselves. For me, the film itself became a beacon to guide the way to recovery. Being able to provide guidance to Saarah, and her impending struggle of adolescence, gave that little Zoe inside a purpose to hold on.
It is my belief that only in reconciling our own darkness can we hope to find lasting meaning and light. Perhaps this medium of storytelling which dances and created meaning in light can provide a helpful path to being able to do just that.
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